Lately I have been feeling a little down. I know there is no true hardship in my life and I am grateful for the life I have been given. I know there are others in much more unfortunate situations.
However I have this really bad way of looking at things, I am constantly comparing myslef to others and always looking at what is wrong with the past. One of my biggest issues is rationaluzing everything. I can never admit something was my fault. I will get a bad grade and this is what goes through my head "I cant beleive I got this, just because I didnt do my homework doesnt mean I should get this grade. I should be able to pass by hearing the teacher in class. They are not a very good teacher. That mark was unfair...." it just goes on and on, I know the truth, I know I should hav studied harder but I dont accept responsibilty for my actions, or most oftenly my "lack of action".
And I always want to be perfect, sometimes I see life as this check list, and I get horribly depressed when I see so many un ticked boxes...I want to find a place, actually I want to find a place that makes me happy and confident. Everyone else seems to hav one box be amazing....popular, smart, sporty, pretty, kind.....they hav other intrests but when you think of them you think of one shining quality....and im too busy freaking out about what I dont have to pick something. Not to mention my fear of picking the wrong thing and failing.
There are so many people out there working hard to reach thier goal, thier dream. I feel selfish that I have the luck to probably be able to prosue anything and cant choose. Everytime I get a report card, there are always coments like "she has the potential" "if she tried harder"... It has gotten so bad that I have got teachers giving up on me, just thinking I am lazy. Mabye I am but I am also very lost. I feel like a brand new car with no where to go and no gas to take it there.
Everything is just at this constant state of average, normal and dull. There are ways I have tried to cope, mainly my friends and family distracting me and making me laugh. I have also realized art is a great distraction, beauty seems to fill some of the holes I have.
I dont mean to sound depressing, I really dont, I just feel lost and useless and I dont know what to do
hopefully there will be some happier posts to come :)